Happy Birthday, Tiger Woods, y'all.

Ugh.

Hey! Tiger Woods! It's your birthday! Here is my little gift to you:

It's all OVER the internet that what happened Thanksgiving night was a bit more than what we've all been told. After seeing texts from one of Tiger's hoes on his phone, it seems Elin took a 9 iron to Tiger's face, leaving a huge gash on his cheekbone and almost knocking out those two enormous front Chicklets.  That would explain Tiger's resistance in speaking with the authorities. 

via TheExaminer.com 

"...between 11:30 pm – midnight, Elin confronted him about the message she found on his phone. It is also reported that she found photos on the cell phone.

Elin asked Tiger to come clean but he denied everything and told her she was reading “too much into it.” When he turned to face the television at one point thereafter, Elin apparently hit him with a 9 iron on the right side of his face, creating a huge gash and almost taking out two of his upper teeth.

Additionally, a bone was broken on the upper right side of Tiger’s face.
Tiger, shoeless, ran out of the house with Elin swinging the club behind him. She used the club to knock out the windows of the SUV, and from this point, the "cubs" began to emerge from Tiger's lair, one by one.

Bisher also reported that Elin panicked and called Mark Steinberg, Tiger’s agent, for advice on what to say. This accounts for the two different versions given by Elin.

Tiger was taken to the hospital where he was patched up but was told by the doctors he needed plastic surgery. They recommended a cosmetic dentist and a plastic surgeon in Phoenix."

Phoenix? That's handy. Isn't that where the posh rehab facility is that I wrote about yesterday?

So yeah. Happy Birthday, Eldrick Tont Woods. 

Here comes Tiger Woods, here comes Tiger Woods, right down Rehab Lane!

'Member when Tiger used to

scream "EFF YOU SEE KAY"

on the green? Or in his driveway?

Or in his hotel room?

Okay. I'll stop. And I know that is a lame headline. It's all I have.

Did Tiger call Charlie Sheen and David Duchovny for a little advice? Sure looks like it. Now, this falls under the category of "Grain of Salt", but The Enquirer is reporting that Tiger is going to the rehab. Awesome. I'll bet there are some hot blonds with fake titties being treated for an eating disorder...just his type!  

via The Enquirer:

"In a last-ditch effort to save his marriage, a shell-shocked Tiger Woods will check into rehab to seek treatment for his sexual compulsions and prescription drug use, insiders have told The Enquirer exclusively. The disgraced golfing great agreed to get help at an Arizona clinic after spending the Christmas holiday with his family, say sources. The serial cheater's decision to get therapy is part of a deal struck with his stunning wife Elin to persuade her not to dump him.

"Elin gave Tiger an ultimatum -- seek treatment or forget all about winning her back," revealed an insider. "Rehab is at the top of the list of things he must do. Tiger will be going into rehab in early January to treat his sexual compulsion and his use of the drugs Ambien and Vicodin."

This will never work...in oh, so many ways.

Tiger Woods continues to be a Grade-A A-Hole.

It's now called The Dumbass

Oh, Tiger Woods. Is this really the best idea you could come up with for Christmas? 

Tiger thinks that by loading up his yacht called Privacy (eyeroll) with a bunch of his buddies (only dudes--as bloody IF) and setting off for The Bahamas is the awesome thing to do in the midst of his marriage falling apart.  Isn't that what any married guy caught with over 10 mistresses would do? 

Enjoy it, my friend. Come 2010, you will be hit with a stack of divorce papers heavy enough to sink that little boat.


 

Tiger Woods Named "Player of the Year" by PGA - Y'all know it's pronounced "PLAAAAAYUHHHH of the Year".

Awwww yeeeahhh.

Of course Tiger Woods was named Player of the Year (see me doing the full-body eyeroll) by the PGA. Them good ol' boys all knew exactly what Tiger was up to all these years and y'all know it.  

via golfabout.com

"The PGA Tour's Player of the Year award - a k a the Jack Nicklaus Award - is based on voting by PGA Tour members. And the winner of the vote for the 2009 season is ... Tiger Woods. Woods wrapped up the PGA of America's Player of the Year award some time ago, and everyone knew he'd win the PGA Tour's version, too. The votes just needed to be counted.

It's actually not that common for a golfer who failed to win a major during the year to win the Player of the Year award on the PGA Tour. Winning majors is the biggest deal in the golf world, and Woods didn't win any of them this season."

This is their way of sayin' "we gotchyo back, Cheetah Tiger--make sure you gots mine, know'msayin'?". 

Tiger Woods' doctor also treated A-Rod and Madonna... HGH rumors are swirlin'!

 Nice guns, Tiger

 

Ewwwww.

Speaking of steroids, it seems Canadian physician Dr. Anthony Galea treated Madonna, A-Rod (hmmmm) as well as Tiger Woods, y'all.

via NYDailyNews.com

"The Daily News has learned that the Buffalo office of the FBI is investigating Galea, along with Canadian authorities.

Galea flew to Woods' Windermere, Fla., home to treat the golfer earlier this year with his platelet-rich plasma injection therapy, also known as "blood spinning."

Galea has attracted a mystique in sports medicine circles for his advocacy of the process, which involves spinning blood in a centrifuge and reinjecting it into injured joints in the hope of accelerating healing.

A Royal Canadian Mounted Police spokesman said charges against Galea are expected to be filed on Friday in a Toronto courtroom, and while an attorney for Galea told the Daily News that his client is innocent of any wrongdoing, U.S. law-enforcement officials said that Galea is "definitely on our radar."

Holy crap. When it rains, it pours, huh?

 

Elin Woods will file for divorce in California - Can you say, "HALF OF EVERYTHING"? And Tiger hit on Jessica Simpson, too??

Elin Woods with daughter Sam

(who is a little side-eye Diva!)

Oh you bet I'm lumping two stories into one, because Cheetah Tiger Woods and his philandering (such a nice word for "serial f^#king around") is getting worse each and every day. Elin is apparently going to file for divorce in California (where they have a home), due to the community property laws which may over-ride any stupid prenup she may have signed back in the day before she realized what a complete ho Tiger is. Elin DESERVES HALF OF EVERYTHING.

via HuffingtonPost.com

"The Mirror reports that Tiger Woods' wife Elin Nordegren may be seeing celebrity lawyer Sorrell Trope as soon as next week. According to the article, "Elin is believed to be planning to file for divorce in California -- where the couple have a home -- and not Florida, where they live." Filing for divorce in California would increase the chances that the couple's property would be split evenly between the two.

Nordegren was recently spotted without her wedding ring, and MSNBC's The Scoop quotes a source who says "she and Tiger are living separately now, but she'll be making this split very open and official right after Christmas."

Now STAR magazine is saying Tiger hit on Jessica Simpson. Oh dear Lord.

 

                 Whaaaaat???

 

“Jessica said that she felt like Tony wasn’t paying attention to her, so she was like, ‘What the heck!’ ” says the source. “She decided to have fun with Tiger whether it bothered Tony or not.”

 
Jessica and Tony had been fighting and the lonely singer needed some attention so she decided to give the nice golfer a chance, according to Star. Jessica and Tiger exchanged phone numbers and email addresses. Who knows what might have happened between the two!?!" 

People Magazine is also reporting:

People is also now reporting that Woods' wife is planning to leave him. A source says, "She's made up her mind. There's nothing to think about: he's never going to change." 

Elin? You do what you hafta do on this, girl. Take care of those gorgeous babies and your self-respect, because I believe you are right: Tiger Woods will never change. 

Tiger Woods lost another sponsorship this weekend. "Please DON'T be a Tiger" - Accenture

Is AT&T next?

Unintentionally funny...

"Go on. Be a Tiger."

Let's start counting down...first Gatorade dropped Tiger's drink (even though they are saying they were not "going forward" with their strange Tiger juice), then Gillette found Tiger to be an unsavory spokesman. Today, Accenture, the investment management company based in Belgium dropped his ass. 

When will AT&T kick him to the curb? You just know there are some juicy text messages sent via AT&T! Photos, too!

Sure, you can send 'em MY way.

 

Tiger Woods quits golf "indefinitely"...flees to Sweden?

What are you so pissed about, Tiger??

So, Cheetah Tiger Woods is quittin' the golf for awhile (watch the PGA ratings plummet), so he can beg for his life back with Elin. Rumors are swirlin' around that he's going to Sweden (where Elin may be hiding out) to try and fix things. 

This wasn't just one indiscretion. Tiger is a serial "Transgressor". Is that even a word? Great. He's going to a country where there's nothing but hot blonde chicks, like the gals he hooked up with over and over again.(Not counting that Perkins Pancake House chick he schtupped in the parking lot after having breakfast with Elin and the kids.) Maybe they should go somewhere (Greece? Italy? New Jersey?) where he doesn't have as much temptation. Anyway, here's the Cheater of ALL Cheater's Official Statement:

 via WWTDD per TigerWoods.com

"I am deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that my infidelity has caused to so many people, most of all my wife and children. I want to say again to everyone that I am profoundly sorry and that I ask forgiveness. It may not be possible to repair the damage I’ve done, but I want to do my best to try.

I would like to ask everyone, including my fans, the good people at my foundation, business partners, the PGA Tour, and my fellow competitors, for their understanding. What’s most important now is that my family has the time, privacy, and safe haven we will need for personal healing.
After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.

Again, I ask for privacy for my family and I am especially grateful for all those who have offered compassion and concern during this difficult period."

This oughta be good.

Tiger Woods Voicemail - Slowjam Remix, y'all.

Had a bad day...

This little "remix" of Tiger's voicemail is not nearly as funny as Christian Bale's dance remix of his freakout on the Terminator: Salvation set. Man, that was funny..."WHAT DON'T YOU F$%^ING UNDERSTAND??" to a dancebeat. Good times.

Elin Woods is no "dumb blonde" - quite the opposite.

  Elin will buy her own ring, thanks.

Just how much money does Cheetah Tiger Woods have? More than you can even dream about...seems Elin is getting herself a post-nuptial agreement. Take a gander:

via The Daily Beast: 

"The lawyer familiar with the couple's negotiations told The Daily Beast that Tiger also has agreed to shorten the original prenup to seven years from the date of marriage, meaning it will vest in another two.

And the revised agreement provides for a staggered schedule of payments spread out over five years that could be worth upward of $75 million. So for Elin to collect $80 million, she'll need to stay with Tiger another seven years, be a dutiful wife in showing up with him at social events and in public as if they were still the perfect couple, and sign a nondisclosure form that will prevent her from ever telling her story. Even if she lasts only two more years, she'll still walk away with nearly twice what she was entitled to under the original prenup.

Tiger's advisers, who have successfully gotten the couple into counseling sessions, believe that keeping the marriage intact will help Tiger keep his corporate sponsors and bolster his dented image. Elin is herself considered a good asset. She's never been a publicity hound or used her marriage to make money through self-help books, lecture series, or QVC makeup and jewelry lines. Rather, she's just maintained a low profile and dedicated herself to being a spouse and mother.  As opposed to some other celebrities, like Tom Cruise or Angelina Jolie, Elin has never pushed her kids into the public eye. So, now, if she is persuaded to stay, she knows little will be the same. Her quiet life is finished.

A Los Angeles-based paparazzo told me that a photo of Elin and the children would fetch $250,000. Some agencies are offering $100,000 just for tips that pay off with photos."

Wow, Tiger will do anything to keep a squeaky-clean family image, won't he? Too bad it's forever tarnished.

Another Tiger Woods Update - Elin Smacked Him Up a Bit

Here's one trophy that's not

mad at Tiger...

Our friends at TMZ.com are keeping us all up-to-date on the hot mess that transpired early yesterday between Tiger Woods and his wife, Elin.

And for those of you who think this should be "between Tiger and Elin", guess what? Tiger should know by now that he's a pretty famous guy. He really should be aware that behavior such as cheating on his wife is probably going to be made public and hence the shitstorm that is flying his way now.

via TMZ.com 

Tiger Woods' wife, Elin Nordegren, changed the story she told the first officer on the scene, according to law enforcement sources.

The Windemere Police Department says Tiger's wife went outside, saw that her husband had struck a fire hydrant and a tree, and then went back inside the house for a golf club to use to try and extricate him from the vehicle. But we've learned Nordegren told a very different story to the Florida Highway Patrol, and it does not involve going back in the house for a club. Our sources will not allow us to be more specific.

And we've learned there was no blood found on the steering wheel of Tiger's SUV -- putting into serious doubt that Tiger sustained his injuries from the crash.

As we first reported, Tiger had a conversation with a friend yesterday, in which he said his wife had confronted him over reports he was involved with another woman ... and that his wife scratched his face up during the argument. Tiger told the friend he then left the house, started driving off and his wife then came out with a golf club, striking the vehicle. Tiger then became distracted and hit the hydrant and then a nearby tree.

Ya got all that?