What do you mean, women don't like using maps?

Hi internet! Listen, I know I've been neglecting you shamefully lately. But I have excuses. Many, in fact.

Mr. Buxom, also known as "Counselor Whup Ass" has been out of town ruthlessly horsewhipping Intelletual Property scofflaws at a trial, and I've been the only parent to help with my wonderful, talented children--children whose talents involve lots of driving around and listening to music and cramming for exams and shopping for camp clothes, not to mention the camps themselves. Plus the usual groceries, laundry, cooking, mopping up spills and teenaged angst and what not.

Then there's all that volunteer bullshit I'm always whining about (see tags) like my own talented musical performances and the desktop publishing I'm doing for a non-profit even as we speak. In fact, I'm only here because I'm waiting on some proofs.

But what has suffered? MY BLOG, thank you very much. And MY READERS.

Well, listen, readers--one of the things that has been vexing me has been my printer's inability to scan anything. I had all these pictures I wanted to show you, and the stupid HP All-in-one had become a Part-in-one. And then, a couple of weeks ago, it even balked at printing and morphed into the world's largest paperweight. So I did the smart thing. I checked out the reviews of the HP PhotoSmart C4280 All-In-One printer on Amazon. And I discovered that's it's not me; it's HP.

So I bought a new printer. And I just scanned my first scan! Voila:

Now, other than playing with the new printer, why the scan?

It's to even the playing ground. Because a lot of the time, makeup instructions are written by makeup fanatics for makeup fanatics. I mean, I love MakeupAlley, but with all the talk about the back wedge,  tightlining, and waterlining, those women aren't speaking English.  If you aren't all makeup, all the time, you won't know what they're talking about.

Even makeup fanatics who write books forget to talk down to their readers. Where's Makeup for Dummies when you need it?

But Gentle Reader(s), this is Makeup for Dummies. And I promise, I'll never forget to talk down to you.

So check out this map. Study it. Learn the terminology. Refer back to it. Copy it onto the top of your left hand with a Sharpie. Tattoo it to the small of your back. Be the ball, Danny.

And get ready for Eye Shadow 101.